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The Silence of a Mother's Pain
A Story of Teen Alcoholism
By: Lacy Enderson
Posted September 2007

"Guilt must become a four letter word. As a parent no matter how responsible you might feel for your child’s drinking, it is not your fault. You are not to blame and you are not responsible for getting them sober."

Boundaries are important. It’s your right as a parent to enforce house rules. If you choose to have an alcohol free home and your child decides to drink, it is okay to tell the child to find another place to sleep. Handing the child a sleeping bag and pillow with directions to the local lounge chair by the pool is acceptable. At first you might cry yourself to sleep, but over time you will experience a freedom like never before.

Why should you stay up all night wondering what the alcoholic is doing downstairs? Who’s to say they aren’t going to drink themselves into a blackout, leave a cigarette burning on the sofa, and burn down your house. Too many well meaning parents suffer daily from a child’s drinking because they were afraid to upset their child.

Guilt must become a four letter word. As a parent no matter how responsible you might feel for your child’s drinking, it is not your fault. You are not to blame and you are not responsible for getting them sober. Your only responsibility is taking care of yourself. Think about it, you’ve spent years ranting and raving, crying and grieving but to no avail. Not one bit of your pity party made a dent in your child’s drinking so why not try another approach. You won’t be labeled a bad parent turning the focus from the child onto yourself. In fact, overtime, it could be the best parenting decision you’ll ever make.

Here is a list of don’ts: don’t nag. Don’t pour alcohol down the drain, it is a waste of money and the alcoholic will only find a way of getting more. Don’t provoke the alcoholic to anger. Alcoholics love to drink their anger away. Don’t do for the alcoholic what the alcoholic should do. Taking care of another’s responsibilities only sets up a bad habit of allowing the alcoholic to permanently neglect personal responsibilities. Alcoholics are liars whether they mean to be or not. Believing their promises is futile. It’s a good idea not to. If you do threaten or set a boundary, stick to it.

Here is a list of dos: if you want to help your alcoholic child, focus on yourself. Learn all you can about alcoholism. Stay in an attitude of love and compassion but remember you must also discipline. When engaged in conversations with the alcoholic keep it simple. Talk about the weather or let the alcoholic lead the conversation. Start developing a safe relationship with the child. An alcoholic is much more willing to approach a parent who isn’t going to attack. Children crave protection no matter how old they are. Be a safe haven for your child. And learn acceptance. The easiest route to freedom is accepting other people exactly the way they are. By accepting them you quit trying to change them. It doesn’t mean you have to suffer abuse. Remember those boundaries.

And remember to pray. No one is capable of coping with everything life has to offer alone. Without God’s help we fail before we ever begin. Start by thanking Him that you’ve been spared this debilitating disease alcoholics suffer with daily. You too could be just as downtrodden as your child. No one is better than anyone else in God’s eyes. We are all equal. Ask God each day what you can do for your child or better yet what He can do for your child if you get out of His way.

The more you turn your child over to God, trusting that He is able to take care of him, the easier it gets. Practice makes perfect. The first step is to believe. Trust that there is a God who can heal your child and restore you to sanity. And remember, you are not Him. You are not God and He doesn’t need your help. God knows what your child needs better than you do. Daily give your child over to the care of God and go take a walk, read a good book or eat a hot fudge sundae. God is in control and He loves your child more than you do. Picture your child resting in the palm of God’s hands and leave him there.

Occasionally it hurts. Some days it hurts badly. You might even cry. Go ahead. Then take a deep breath, put on Pavarotti, and let it go. Never give up hope, without hope we would die, just remember life happens in God’s time. And He always knows best.