MaryElise.com :: Modern Woman

"For years, we carry on until we hit a wall. Sometimes it is an event that brings us out of our fog – a death or a divorce. I just woke up one morning, looked around and thought, “If I died tomorrow, this would be all I’ve accomplished. This is how the world would remember me."

I envy June Cleaver. I know it’s not politically correct, but I just can’t help it. Oddly, it’s not her spotless home or flawlessly matched outfits that draw my attention (although I do have just a twinge of envy as I pull on my shorts and t-shirt and move the pile on my desk so I can begin to write). I envy her surety. I long for her absolute certainty that her life is just as it should be. Sometimes, although I hate to admit it, I almost long for her lack of choice. June knew from the moment of her first understanding that she was destined to grow up, marry a nice man and have children. She would stay home with those children, keep her home and attend the appropriate social activities. It was the most she could hope for from life and she gladly achieved it. She never second-guessed herself. She never longed for more. She was content. I envy that.

Were all the wives of the 1950s as happy as June? Of course not. Many struggled and strained against the confines of being allowed only to be a wife and mother. While some enjoyed the traditional life of hearth and home, others dreamed of lives beyond their garden borders. They wanted to join the ranks of men and become doctors, firefighters, and journalists. Some never wanted children at all. Some wanted to work and be mothers. Their lack of alternatives fueled the Women’s Movement of the sixties and seventies. That movement led to today – a society where women are afforded more choices than ever before. We may not have achieved perfect equality, but we are closer than we’ve ever been. While these changes have given us a larger slice of the pie, they have also left many of us struggling with the choices that we have made. Our identities are no longer predetermined. We have the right to choose who we become. It scares us. We are women in flux and sometimes the strain begins to show.

Every day it seems I find myself talking to women who are struggling with the paths they have chosen. It is not that they are unhappy with their lives necessarily, they are simply overwhelmed by the many paths. My friend who married directly out of college, followed her military husband around the globe, and staying home with her children began to chafe at the boundaries of her world. She wonders if there could have been something more – if she should have done something more with her life, if she chose the right man. Another friend finds herself unexpectedly divorced. She had always wanted to marry, have children and stay home with them. She achieved this dream only to watch it crumble in her hands. She is left with the shards of the life she once knew and she struggles to find herself. I look in the mirror and wonder when I stopped being me. When did I become his wife and their mother and lose that part of myself that was just my own? When did I put aside my dreams so that I could fulfill my responsibilities? Who am I?

It is that last question that baffles the women I meet. They have made their choices and crafted their lives but they seem to have lost themselves along the way. With all the responsibilities that we shoulder, women tend to lose themselves. We are wives, mothers, daughters, sisters, employees. We make certain that the lunches are made, the projects completed, gifts bought, wrapped and delivered. We make the trains run on time. We bury our hopes and dreams so that others may chase theirs. For years, we carry on until we hit a wall. Sometimes it is an event that brings us out of our fog – a death or a divorce. I just woke up one morning, looked around and thought, “If I died tomorrow, this would be all I’ve accomplished. This is how the world would remember me.”

I wasn’t pleased with what I saw. I realized that I had become the victim of the choices I had made. Rather than shaping my own destiny, I was simply following along behind my life. Clearly, change had to come but change is not easy when there are so many other people involved. My family needs me. My job needs me. I need me. As I struggled with how to change my life, I realized that I was not alone. So many women struggled along with me. They let their lives shape them rather than carving out the life they want. We are lost and lonely and scared. But we are not alone. We have the potential to be all the things we dreamed of being. We can choose for ourselves what our lives will be – no matter what stage we find ourselves currently in. We are women. We can have it all, whatever all may be. I am hoping that this column will bring some light to those other women who are struggling with the darkness. I am hoping that by realizing that we are not alone, we can draw the strength to begin again. We have choices. We are lucky. We can be happy. We can be whatever we want to be -- still.