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Black & White:
Race, Love & Society
By: Carolyn Devilbiss
Posted July 2007

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Biracial Dating Carolyn Devilbiss MaryElise

"That was only the beginning of what was to become an eye opening experience in racism for myself, the upper middle class white girl."

Love is described as a “profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person” by Dictionary.com. Nowhere does it mention that love should be closely guarded, given or accepted only among members of the same race. Yet members of mixed couples are constantly discriminated against, by all races, simply because the person they love is outwardly different from themselves.

My boyfriend, Che, and I met over a year ago at a mutual friend’s birthday party. He was sweet, considerate, charming and incredibly handsome. He is also African American while I myself am Caucasian. I didn’t see that, it never crossed my mind at the time when I was giving him my number. One of my friends mentioned to me later how people were talking about me and “the black guy”.

That was only the beginning of what was to become an eye opening experience in racism for myself, the upper middle class white girl. Out of my four parents, my father was the most reserved about the relationship, though as soon as he met Che they bonded over “man stuff” and became fast friends. My other three parents didn’t care what he looked like, as long as he treated me well. But my grandmother was, and continues to be, the most outspoken opponent of our relationship. She tells me to think about what it would be like if we had kids. “They’d be mixed”, she’ll say at a whisper, “imagine how society would treat them”. I couldn’t bring him to Thanksgiving dinner because she refused to welcome him into her house. When my college graduation came around she was going to skip the celebration dinner if he was going to be there. And she had never even met him.

A couple months ago I got pulled over for going through an emergency vehicles only turn. Stupid, I know, so when I got pulled over I was resigned to a ticket. But the police officer, a Caucasian male, not only asked me for my I.D. but asked Che for his, even though he was in the passenger seat. He then asked to search my car, which I refused; then he asked me to get out of the car and proceeded to question me about the guy in the front seat. He asked who he was, how I knew him, how long we’d been together, etc. Che then got asked to step out of the car and they patted him down and asked him the same questions. We were on the side of the road for an hour. The officer even called for backup. Apparently a white girl in the car with a black guy means something illegal is going on, right?

I am not saying everyone feels this way. Che’s family loves and accepts me. His friends and my friends don’t even seem to notice, there was never a question of acceptance with them. Society is becoming more tolerant, perhaps because of the increasing numbers of inter-racial couples. Bi-racial unions have increased 65 percent from 1990 to 2000 and one in every 15 marriages in the U.S. is inter-racial, according to recent census numbers. These couples refuse to let other people’s opinions dictate their lives; they are doing what makes them happy.

And Che and I? We are happy and refuse to end our relationship just because some people say our lives will be harder. I’ve been asked, “Why choose to make your life difficult?”

That’s the thing; I didn’t choose to date him simply because he was black. Skin color had nothing to do with our attraction for each other. I love him for who he is, no mater how cliche that sounds. Love is an unconditional, wild, reckless hurricane of emotions. You can’t help who you love. If you can control it, then is it really love? And if it’s not really love, then what’s the point?