MaryElise.com :: Modern Woman > This Too Shall Pass

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not:
This Too Shall Pass
By: Andria Cole
Posted August 2007

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Women Speak

“I know it hurts. I know it does. You feel empty inside and it seems like the emptiness runs so wide and deep it will never be filled. But it will one day. All the way to the rim. One day you will be so filled with love you’ll wonder what hurt even feels like. You are beautiful. And so is he. You’re both God’s children. Remember that. He deserves happiness as much as you do. And you both shall have it as long as you forgive and forget. There is no such thing as forgiving without forgetting. Let it be like childbirth—hurting so bad it can only mean something glorious is coming. Don’t miss the glory ‘cause your eyes are shut tight from crying.” Kimberly Ann Cole / Age 49 / Registered nurse

“How did I survive a low down dirty love? I started writing the novel I’d been putting off since I’d first gotten engaged. But it wasn’t the divorce that launched me into the novel. It wasn’t until after my rebound relationship, a tumultuous, co dependent mess, that I began writing the novel. In fact, I was in the middle of writing a poem a day for National Poetry Month when an idea for a short story popped into my head. Once I began writing it, I realized that it was, in fact, part of the novel that had been shelved, but not forgotten, for the past eight years. I printed out the thirty pages that I’d written long ago and sat with it next to me as I rewrote the draft. Three months later, I’ve got over two hundred and fifty pages, and I feel like I’m truly in love for the first time—with my work. I get giddy and silly whenever I’ve finished writing for the day; it’s the best high, and now, when I look at myself in the mirror, instead of wondering what the hell I’m doing with my life, I can finally look myself square in the eye and know that I’m doing exactly what I’m meant to do.” Traci Lynn O’Dea / Age 33 / Writer

“There is no cure for that kind of love. Cures are supposed to make you whole again…regular. You’ll never be that again; never regular like you were. The only thing that made me feel whole again was being back with him. I’m the last one to offer advice. I had to go back. It hurt too bad not to.” Deidre Woodall / Age 24 / Math teacher

“Cry when it hurts but then remind yourself of all the pain and why you left. Wake up every day and think of how free you are, how you can call who you want without a funny look, go where you want without having to take him along. Think about how you don’t have to feel guilty about hanging out with your girlfriends. How you get to sleep on both sides of the damn bed! Laugh to yourself about what his next girlfriend must be going through. Pray. Have good, honest, heart-to-heart conversations with your friends…guy friends are especially a blessing at times like this. And take time away. Absence detaches you from the situation so it’s not so in-your-face. And the most important thing is to always be honest with yourself about everything. Lying and pretending only prolongs your hurt.”
Lenise Robinson / Age 29 / IT Project Coordinator

“I moved out of state. I thought, ‘Out of sight, out of mind.’ I moved four years ago and haven't looked back since. I'm never moving back home again. I had to step back, look in the mirror and learn to love what I saw. If I didn't love me first how in the hell could I expect this jerk to love me? He said it, he showed it, but he didn't care enough about me to leave all the other women alone, so I had to go. It wasn't self esteem I lacked. I knew I was pretty; I knew I was smart. What I didn't know was how to love myself. I wanted him so bad I accepted everything he put me through. I realized I didn't have to accept anything that diminished my spirit.”
Shani Smith / Age 30 / Advertising Assistant

“If low down dirty love means getting cheated on, strung along, and lied to then I survived it. I basically forgave everything my so called boyfriend did until finally I had exhausted every possible option, experienced every possible emotion and tried every possible solution to fix our relationship. In the end nothing worked and by the time we broke up for the last time I just looked at him and said it was useless to keep trying and we agreed to break up. I couldn't even be sad about it because there was just nothing left to be sad about. I've been much happier ever since.”
Danielle Moscou / Age 30 / Study Abroad Coordinator

“I pray, write in my journal, talk to my friends, and read daily. Through all of this, I have come to realize that God's sight goes beyond mine, so He knows what’s best for me. Since I have internalized this concept, it has become easier to cope. There are sad times and angry times, but I keep on breathing and praying. Some people say, ‘Go out! Stay busy!’ When I feel like going out, I do, but when I feel like being alone I do so without feeling guilty. I do what I feel is necessary to maintain good mental and spiritual health.”
Nicole Jennings / Age 26 / English teacher

“Yes. Haven’t we all? It was last year to be exact. He was tall—6’4”—football build. Said I was the ‘marrying type.’ That's how they get you. He had a girlfriend in South Carolina. Was working in Georgia. Kept complaining about not wanting to go visit his mother, but suddenly taking trips there because I encouraged him. He was receiving flowers and internet pictures from women. I stumbled upon a card from a woman and saw a receipt to a hotel in another city. My first response, what I like to call a tantrum—cry, scream, curse, slam doors. My next—cry some more, then accept calls and attention from other men. Next—get really fed up and return the favor so he can see how it feels. Then, do something to make me feel good—pamper myself, shop, read, take a trip. Finally, which should have been the first step—pray, pray, pray for the wisdom not to be fooled again and for the strength to get over the deceit.”
Roxanne Dunigan / Age 34 / Pharmacy Technician/Student

“I walked away from the situation as if he had died. Sounds crazy but it actually helps me and a couple of my friends to cope. Some even go as far as having a burial. Mentally it helps relieve you of any stress because in your mind this man is dead—the relationship can’t be revived. The mourning period takes a lot less time especially as you start to delete phone numbers and emails. But this must be done immediately after the burial. Some corpses come back to life, stick their hand out the grave and mess you up. This process allows you to act less irrational. No need to key up cars, drive-by his house in the middle of the night to see if he’s home alone, and no calling and hanging up to hear his voice. The man is dead and dead people can’t talk. It’s easier to sike yourself out this way and move on with your life. It requires no moping around because life is for the living. I once heard from a pastor at a singles conference that you must thank God for your ex. He’s your ex for a reason and there’s no reason to go back. God has a better plan for you and a dead man obviously isn’t it. So put up his tombstone and keep it moving. In lieu of flowers, please send donations.”
Joy Johnson / Age: 32 / Director of Advancement and Alumni Relations

“When my first marriage broke up, I fell into a bit of a depression but as the stress levels dissipated, I realized I had lost 176 pounds of dead weight in one swoop. People started telling me I looked better post divorce than I ever had in marriage. Also, being left with an infant and two toddlers didn’t leave much time to scream or wish for vengeance. I worked and I wrote. At the end of my second marriage, I was a member of a gym and started attending a kick boxing class during which I pictured my second husband’s face. I must have punched and kicked that man’s face into oblivion twice a week for two years. Then I realized I was wasting my time trying to think of novel ways to destroy someone who didn’t deserve a mere thought of mine. Why should he have so much power over me? I wrote through the whole thing. I was in the Hopkins writing program and all the reading and writing gave me little time for a pity party. I also wrote my novel at this time and in the beginning of the book, I based a character on him and by the middle, the character turned out to be a thief. It gives me great joy to know that this character, who has my ex’s initials, will forever remain a thief.”
Rosalia Scalia / Age 40 something / Freelance Writer

“The best place to recover from love is on your knees. Get down there and pray for the strength to see your way through. And say this to yourself—Ain’t no way I was put here on this earth to be swallowed up by one little man. You think you was put here to love one single soul? If that’s what you think, you might as well go on and die then.”
Mary Carpenter / Age 72 / Retired Licensed Practical Nurse

“I just cried. I just cried and cried and cried till wasn’t one more tear left.”
Tiana Lee / Age 17 / Student

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